Making friends in a new country is hard. Harder than most people expect, and harder than anyone warns you about before you go.
When you do not speak the language well, it is tough to say what you really mean, or to understand someone past the surface. Cultural differences add another layer, and small misunderstandings happen easily. And the people around you when you first arrive often come and go, so friendships can feel temporary before they have a chance to become real.
Fitting in is not the same as belonging
Living abroad is exciting. New places, new people, new ways of doing things. But it is also one of the hardest things you can do, especially when it comes to finding your people and feeling like you belong. There is a real difference between fitting in and belonging. They are not the same thing at all.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Brené Brown
Fitting in is usually our first instinct in a new country. We read the room and shape ourselves into who we think we need to be. We change how we act, what we say we like, sometimes even what we believe, just to match the people around us. It can feel safe for a while. But it is a shaky base for a friendship. Keeping up a version of yourself that is not really you gets tiring, and over time it leaves you feeling more alone, not less.
Belonging is different. It does not ask you to change who you are. It asks you to be honest. To belong is to find a place where your real self is not just tolerated but liked. It is built on people actually understanding each other and valuing what makes each of us different. That kind of connection is stronger and lasts longer, but it takes more time to find, especially when you are still learning the culture and the social rules of a new place.
We all need connection
Everyone needs other people. According to scientist Matthew Lieberman, our need for social bonds is as basic as our need for food and water. We all share that need, even if the way we go about meeting it looks different.
Let me share a small story.
A friend of mine moved to a new country and hoped to make friends. She met an Argentinean family whose child got along well with her daughter. At first it looked great. The kids loved playing together after school. But after a couple of months, another Argentinean family joined the school, and the two Argentinean kids grew closer because they spoke the same language. My friend and her daughter started to feel left out, especially on the walks home when the mums spoke mostly in Spanish and there was no easy way to join in. My friend tried to talk about it and reached out to the other mum. The other mum said she had worries about how the children were getting on, and that things going on in her own life meant she did not have much room to deal with it. My friend felt sad and frustrated, because she had not known there was any problem at all. Feeling left out and misunderstood is hard anywhere. It is harder in a new country, and harder still when it feels like your child is being judged too. All my friend wanted was for the girls to be friends and for the mums to get on.
Her story says a lot about how tricky it can be to make friends abroad. The language gets in the way, and so much comes down to talking honestly and trying to understand each other.
It also takes patience. Real friendships take time, and there will be setbacks. Keep trying, and keep talking about how you feel. Often it is the hard moments that teach us the most. Every conversation, every shared afternoon, every time you let someone see how you really feel, brings you a little closer to your people. They are the ones who laugh with you, sit with you when you cry, and stick around, not because you fit a mould but because of who you really are.
Have you been through something like this in a new place? Did you find it hard to speak up and say how you felt?
Being brave sets you free
What is the difference between someone who hides their true self to be liked and someone who lives freely, not worried about what others think?
The answer is courage.
Belonging to yourself, before you try to fit in anywhere else, takes courage. The courage to be yourself, to be seen, to be different, and to stop worrying about other people’s opinions. The courage to make your own way. Standing out is not easy at first, and it is impossible if you are too afraid to step outside your comfort zone.
Fitting in and belonging pull in opposite directions. Fitting in does not care whether you are being true to yourself. Belonging is all about being genuine. You cannot really belong while you are still trying to fit in.
How to find real belonging
Listen to your heart, not just your head
To be true to yourself, you need to know what really matters to you. That means looking inside and getting honest about your own values, what you want, and what you dream about.
When you are about to leave your comfort zone and grow, the doubts show up. Sometimes our own thoughts can be unkind: “Are you sure about this?” “Will people think you are showing off?” “Who are you to give advice?”
Remember, that inner voice is trying to protect what you have. But here is the thing. To really be yourself and belong, you might have to let go of some of it. That is the hard part. Moving away from old habits is tough. The more you listen to your gut, your heart, or whatever you want to call the quiet voice that points you the right way, the easier it gets to hear what it is telling you. Starting to pay attention to it is a good first step.
To get closer to your true self while the doubts and fears are still around, you could try a few things:
- Write things down: Keep a journal, daily or weekly, and use it to explore your thoughts, feelings, values, and dreams. Writing helps you see what really matters to you and where the doubts creep in.
- Meditation and quiet time: Sit quietly, meditate, or just be still for a while. It turns down the noise of the outside world and your own harsh thoughts, so the quieter voice inside is easier to hear.
- Set small goals: Pick small, doable goals based on your values and what you want. They should fit who you want to be, not what other people expect of you.
Enjoy the in-between
Moving from trying to fit in to truly belonging can feel scary. There is often a gap between when you stop trying to fit in and when you find real friends who accept you as you are. It is like jumping from one rooftop to another. You run, you jump, and you trust you will land. Fitting in feels safe, belonging feels even safer, but the bit in the middle is frightening. You have let go of the surface friendships but not yet found where you really belong. It is an awkward in-between stage.
The most important thing to hold onto during that time is that you still have yourself. I have been through this many times, especially when I moved to New Zealand. Moving there with three small children and my husband was hard. Everything was different: the people, the culture, the language, even the weather. I missed my friends and my family. Some days I felt very alone, because making new friends, finding a decent work-life balance, and managing the kids while my husband was at work was not easy in a foreign country. But going through those hard stretches taught me a lot about myself. I worked out what I actually liked doing, what mattered to me, and what I was good at. I had to be brave and try things on my own. It was scary, but it was exciting too.
Looking back, those in-between times helped me get to know myself far better than if I had just kept trying to fit in. I started to enjoy my own company more each day. Now I cannot imagine wanting to fit in the way I used to.
A few things that might help you through this part:
- Notice how far you have come: Take time now and then to look at how you have grown and what you have changed. Give yourself credit, even for small steps, and adjust your goals as you go.
- Learn to let go: Work out which habits, beliefs, or relationships no longer fit the person you are becoming. Letting go is hard, but it makes room for growth. Start small and build your confidence for the bigger changes.
- Be kind to yourself: Go easy on yourself, especially when the doubts come back. Growth is a process, and it is fine to make mistakes along the way.
Finding your real circle
You have been getting on with people by trying to fit in. But honestly, there are a lot of people around you, and not all of them are meant to stay in your life. When you start to be yourself, live by your own standards, and act in a way that feels true, you are going to shake things up.
And what happens when you do?
Yes, some people will drift away.
But do not worry about that. The ones who leave were often just along for the ride, not really part of your life. When you are true to yourself, trust that the right people will stay. Be grateful to the ones who leave, because they make your life simpler.
If you are thinking about your relationships and wondering whether they are more about fitting in or belonging, ask yourself this: How do I feel during and after I spend time with these people? Your feelings will point you the right way.
A few things that can help in this phase:
- Try new things: Look for experiences that push you a little out of your comfort zone. A new hobby, a class, a social event. They help you grow and understand yourself better.
- Find things that inspire you: Read books, listen to podcasts, watch videos about growth and getting to know yourself. Learning from people who have walked the same path is encouraging.
- Get support if you need it: There is no shame in working with a coach, therapist, or counsellor if doing this alone feels too hard. The right support can give you strategies that fit your situation.
Final thoughts
If you are still trying to fit in, remember this: fitting in means changing yourself. Belonging means just being yourself.
Doesn’t that sound a lot simpler? So take a step back, like who you are, and let people see the real you. The right ones, the ones who truly matter, will love you for it.
